Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
