Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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