Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
