you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
