I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
