4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
