Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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