oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
