I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
