Cold hands, warm shart.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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