she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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