I just threw up on my dentist
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
