yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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