First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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