I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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