I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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