Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
