i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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