We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
