Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
