We won't sleep together?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
