Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
