I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
FUCK WHALES
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
