yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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