Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
