i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
