There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
