Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
whose ass print is on the piano?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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