i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
