I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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