Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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