Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
