Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
