Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Randomize
