Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
