No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i've created a new STD.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
