you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
