...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
