Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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