I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
