my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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