on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
