shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
