If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
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So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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