I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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