If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
