Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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