She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
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