you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
