Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You may now shotgun with the bride
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
