I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
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You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
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Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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