yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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