You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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