you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
