You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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