so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
