she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
