i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
